7 Signs Your Expectations in a New Relationship Are Unrealistically High
Too much, too soon? Learn when your romantic expectations may be sabotaging love before it even begins.
Introduction: The Danger of Unrealistic Expectations in New Relationships
The early stages of a relationship—often called the “honeymoon phase”—are filled with excitement, new intimacy, and hope. It’s natural to feel that chemistry, connection, and the thrill of building something meaningful. However, this period also can tempt us to set expectations that are either too high or too rigid, which can jeopardize the potential for a healthy, lasting partnership.
Relationship expert Jonathan Bennett points out that many people approach romance with a narrative shaped by fairytales and movies: “They believe everything will automatically end up ‘happily ever after.’” But people and relationships, he reminds us, are imperfect. When your expectations are too idealistic, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment as the initial infatuation fades and normal relationship dynamics emerge.
At the other extreme, assuming the worst—approaching relationships with cynicism—can also poison a promising connection, turning low expectations into a self-fulfilling prophecy. The key is balance: developing realistic, flexible, and healthy expectations from the outset.
The 7 Signs Your Expectations Are Too High
- You Expect Your Partner to Fill All Your Emotional Needs
It’s easy to hope your new partner will become your everything—your lover, best friend, and emotional support system rolled into one. But expecting a single person to meet all your emotional, social, and personal needs is unrealistic and places a crushing burden on both of you. Healthy relationships are built on interdependence, not codependence. Each partner should have their own life, interests, and support networks outside the relationship. Relying solely on your romantic partner for happiness and fulfillment can quickly lead to disappointment and resentment.
- You Won’t Tolerate Any Flaws
No one is perfect. Every one of us has quirks, habits, and even character flaws that can become annoying or disappointing over time. Expecting constant perfection from your partner or believing they’ll never make mistakes sets up an impossible standard. The reality is that minor conflicts and differences are inevitable in any healthy relationship. The goal should be mutual understanding and respect—not total harmony at all costs.
- You Expect Your Partner to “Prove” Their Love
Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. However, demanding constant “proof” of devotion is a sign that your expectations may be unhealthy. As Bennett explains, “If you’re constantly pushing your partner to provide proof of [their] love, commitment, and devotion, it’s going to push [them] away. Constantly expecting proof of love is a very unhealthy expectation”. Romantic gestures and verbal expressions of affection should be meaningful, but they shouldn’t become a source of pressure or anxiety. Love should be experienced, not tested daily.
- You’re Overly Focused on the Future
It’s natural to think about the future together, especially when you’re excited about a new relationship. However, if you find yourself mapping out your life together—marriage, kids, homes, and vacations—before you even know each other deeply, you might be setting your expectations too high, too fast. “If you’ve mapped out your entire relationship with your partner in your head and are constantly focusing on the future, you’re bound to be disappointed when your relationship takes a different path than you expected,” Bennett notes. Relationships unfold in unpredictable ways. Stay present, enjoy the journey, and be open to the unexpected.
- You Expect to Hear “I Love You” Right Away
There’s no denying: telling someone “I love you” for the first time is a thrilling, vulnerable moment. But falling in love doesn’t happen on a schedule. Pressuring your partner to say “I love you” before they’re ready is unfair and can introduce unnecessary tension. As Anita Chlipala, a relationship therapist, points out, “Everyone has a different timeline for when they feel comfortable professing their love”. Respect each other’s pace and remember that genuine love is built, not rushed.
- You Expect Your Partner to Be Exactly Like You
It’s great to share values, interests, and perspectives. But expecting your partner to mirror your every thought, feeling, and hobby is unrealistic. Differences are natural and, often, enriching. Healthy couples respect each other’s individuality and sometimes even celebrate what sets them apart. Embrace your partner’s unique personality—it’s part of what makes them special.
- You Assume Your Partner Will Always Prioritize You Over Everything Else
Early romance can come with visions of your partner dropping everything for you—always choosing you over their friends, family, work, or hobbies. But expecting your partner to always put you first, at the expense of all other commitments, is a recipe for resentment. Maintaining outside relationships, interests, and responsibilities is important for both your well-being and the health of your partnership. Balance is key.
Why Unrealistic Expectations Are Harmful
Unrealistic expectations aren’t just a source of personal disappointment—they can actively sabotage your relationship. When you expect too much, too soon, from your partner, you set the stage for repeated frustration. Every unmet expectation becomes a source of conflict or disillusionment, potentially causing both partners to withdraw emotionally or even end the relationship prematurely.
On the flip side, having extremely low expectations—entering a relationship assuming it will fail or that your partner won’t care for you—can also create problems. This mindset may mean you overlook genuine connection or fail to invest the necessary effort for love to grow.
Setting Healthy, Realistic Expectations
- Communicate openly: Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Clearly express your needs, desires, and boundaries—and listen to theirs.
- Embrace imperfection: Accept that both you and your partner will sometimes make mistakes or have “off” days. Focus on mutual understanding and support, not perfection.
- Allow the relationship to evolve: Let your connection develop naturally. Don’t pressure yourselves to reach milestones on a rigid timeline.
- Maintain independence: Keep up your interests, friendships, and personal growth outside the relationship. This creates a healthier balance.
- Focus on the present: Enjoy the here and now. Trust that, with mutual effort, the future will take shape naturally.
Comparing Healthy vs. Unhealthy Expectations
| Healthy Expectations | Unhealthy Expectations |
|---|---|
| You expect respect, trust, and mutual support | You expect constant attention and validation |
| You allow each other space and individuality | You want your partner to be exactly like you |
| You communicate openly about needs and feelings | You expect your partner to guess what you want |
| You enjoy milestones together, but don’t rush them | You demand declarations of love and future plans immediately |
| You accept small conflicts and disagreements as normal | You expect zero conflict or disagreements |
| You value each other’s outside commitments and relationships | You expect your partner to drop everything for you |
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Are high expectations always bad?
A: Not necessarily. High expectations for respect, communication, and care are healthy. It’s only when your expectations are unrealistic—expecting mind-reading, constant proof of love, or instant connection—that they become a problem.
Q: How can I tell if my expectations are unrealistic?
A: Check your reactions and frustrations. If you’re regularly disappointed by “normal” relationship behaviors—such as your partner having outside interests, making mistakes, or not sharing every thought—it might be time to reassess your expectations.
Q: Is it wrong to think about the future together?
A: Not at all! Dreaming and planning together is a sign of interest and commitment. But if you’re overly focused on the future at the expense of enjoying the present, you may be skipping important early steps in your relationship journey.
Q: How do I lower my expectations without settling?
A: Differentiate between deal-breakers and preferences. Hold on to your core values and needs, but stay flexible and open-minded on the small stuff. Growth, compromise, and mutual respect are key.
Conclusion: Balance and Growth in Relationships
New relationships are a time of excitement and vulnerability. While it’s natural to hope for the best, approaching romance with a critical eye toward your own expectations can help ensure a healthier, more realistic connection. Remember, love isn’t about perfection—it’s about finding a partner with whom you can grow, learn, and build a life together. By setting realistic expectations, communicating openly, and embracing both the joys and challenges of partnership, you give your relationship the best possible foundation for lasting happiness.
References
- https://www.bustle.com/p/7-signs-your-expectations-of-a-new-relationship-are-too-high-7987809
- https://thetouchpointsolution.com/blogs/press/7-signs-your-idea-of-romance-is-actually-sabotaging-your-love-life
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ0vA6_gn40
- https://www.bustle.com/articles/181664-11-signs-your-relationship-is-still-worth-working-on
- https://drdanielleforshee.com/bustle-7-signs-your-relationship-wont-last-after-the-first-3-months-of-dating/
- https://health.clevelandclinic.org/seven-year-itch
- https://susanwinter.net/what-youre-getting-wrong-in-relationships-psychology-today-interview/
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