What to Say—and What Not to Say—When Someone Dies

Acknowledging sorrow with sincere compassion offers solace beyond any cliché.

By Sneha Tete, Integrated MA, Certified Relationship Coach

Created on Sep 25, 2025

Acknowledging sorrow with sincere compassion offers solace beyond any cliché.

Losing someone is an inevitable part of life, but when it happens to a friend, colleague, or loved one, knowing what to say—or what not to say—can be a real challenge. Many well-meaning people worry about saying the wrong thing and making grief worse. This article explores the most compassionate ways to offer support, listing the best and worst things to say when someone dies, along with advice from psychologists, real-world examples, and frequently asked questions to help you truly be there in a time of loss.

Why Words Matter in Times of Loss

Grief is a complex, individual experience. Words can provide comfort, but they can also unintentionally deepen pain. Psychologists note that the discomfort around death in our society often leads to awkward or even hurtful remarks—usually from a desire to ‘fix’ the sadness, or fill silences that feel uncomfortable. Silence, however, is rarely the answer. Meaningful support begins with choosing words that acknowledge the depth of loss and the uniqueness of each person’s grief.

The Worst Things to Say to Someone Who is Grieving

Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can alienate or distress those in mourning. Here are some common missteps and why they’re problematic:

“I know how you feel.”
Grief is intensely personal. Even if you’ve faced a similar loss, you cannot truly know another’s unique experience. Saying this can minimize their pain or make it about you instead of them.
“He’s in a better place.”
While intended to comfort, religious or metaphysical statements can exclude those with differing beliefs—and don’t address the immediate pain or emptiness your friend feels.
“He was such a trooper. He fought the good fight.”
This phrase centers on battle metaphors, which can imply that death is a result of not ‘fighting hard enough’ and inadvertently blame the deceased or their family.
“There is a reason for everything.”
Trying to give loss meaning may feel dismissive or invalidating, especially in the early stages of grief when emotions are raw.
“At least he/she lived a long life.”
Comparing pain or losses can unintentionally diminish the grief someone feels, suggesting they shouldn’t be as sad.
“You can have another child/be strong/aren’t you over it yet?”
Statements that encourage replacing a loss or hurrying the process invalidate a person’s right to mourn in their own time and way.

Summary Table: Worst Things to Say

Phrase	Why It Hurts
“I know how you feel.”	Assumes universal experience, minimizes personal grief.
“He’s in a better place.”	May not align with recipient’s beliefs, sidesteps pain.
“He fought the good fight.”	Implies failure, sets fault with the deceased.
“There’s a reason for everything.”	Invalidates grief, can feel dismissive.
“At least they lived a long life.”	Compares losses, trivializes sadness.
“You can have another child.”	Suggests replaceability of the deceased.
“Be strong.” / “Are you over him yet?”	Pressures the bereaved to move on prematurely.

The Best Things to Say to Someone Who is Grieving

Instead of grasping for perfect words, focus on acknowledging their pain and being present. The following alternatives allow for openness and genuine connection:

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
This humbly recognizes the uniqueness of their suffering and shows your willingness to listen without judgment or assumption.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
This direct, heartfelt phrase is always appropriate and communicates empathy without pretense.
“I’m here if you need anything.”
Offering concrete support (meals, calls, errands) gives someone practical help as well as emotional backing.
“My favorite memory of [the deceased] is…”
Sharing stories or cherished memories focuses on the life lived, not just the loss, and can offer comfort and connection.
“How are you, really?”
Gently encourage the expression of authentic feelings, rather than expecting a simple reply of “Fine.”
Silent presence, or a simple hug.
Sometimes, words aren’t necessary. Just being there can communicate more than any phrase.

Summary Table: Best Things to Say

Phrase	Why It Helps
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”	Respects the uniqueness of grief, invites sharing.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”	Simple, direct empathy. Universally appropriate.
“I’m here for you.” / “Let me know if you need anything.”	Offers tangible support, shows commitment.
Sharing a memory	Honors their loved one’s life, keeps their spirit alive.
Just being there	Presence can comfort when words fail.

Explaining Why the Right Words Matter

It’s tempting to say something hopeful in an effort to lessen pain, but these well-meaning phrases often have the opposite effect. Instead, acknowledging the reality of the loss and being willing to sit with discomfort is a true gift. Experts observe that our cultural unease with death drives many to fill silences, but genuine support is better found in listening and acknowledging grief than in trying to fix it .

What Can You Do If You Don’t Know What To Say?

If you are at a loss for words, listening without attempting to redirect the conversation is valuable. Avoid rushing to advice or platitudes. Instead, try:

Asking, “Would you like to talk about it?”
Sitting together in shared silence.
Offering small kindnesses—like bringing food or taking care of everyday tasks—without requiring engagement.
Sending a handwritten note or text reiterating your availability.

Common Myths About Supporting Grieving People

Misinformation abounds when it comes to grief. Here are some common misconceptions and the truths behind them:

Myth: You shouldn’t mention the deceased for fear of upsetting the bereaved.
Truth: Many mourners appreciate sharing stories, hearing their loved one’s name, or reminiscing about happy times together.
Myth: Grief follows a set timeline.
Truth: Everyone grieves at their own pace, and grief can ebb and flow unpredictably months or even years later.
Myth: Saying nothing is safer than saying the wrong thing.
Truth: Silence or avoidance can make loss feel even more isolating.

Supporting Grieving Friends: Additional Do’s and Don’ts

Do check in after the funeral. Support is needed long after others have moved on.
Do use the deceased’s name.
Do respect boundaries; not everyone will want to talk about their loss right away.
Don’t rush to offer advice or analogies.
Don’t expect the bereaved to take care of you or comfort your discomfort.
Don’t try to push them toward closure or “moving on.” Each journey is private and unique.

Practical Examples of What to Say

To help guide compassionate conversations in times of grief, here are some sample phrases that are well received:

“I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk.”
“There are no words, but I am holding you in my heart.”
“May your favorite memories bring you comfort.”
“It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now.”
“If there’s anything you need—no matter how small—let me know.”

Things You Can Do Beyond Words

Send a card expressing your condolences.
Prepare a meal or arrange for delivery.
Offer to run an errand or take care of mundane tasks.
Remember important anniversaries and check in again after some months have passed.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is it okay to talk about the person who died?

Yes. Most people appreciate hearing fond memories and having their loved one remembered instead of ignored.

What if I say the wrong thing?

It happens. If you realize you’ve said something hurtful, simply apologize. An honest, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be insensitive” is enough.

Should I try to cheer the person up or distract them from sadness?

No. Trying to forcibly lift someone’s spirits can inadvertently make them feel like they shouldn’t be grieving. Allow them space for their feelings.

Can I offer help even if I’m not close to the person?

Yes. Simple gestures, such as sending a card or offering specific assistance (like meals), are always appreciated, regardless of your level of closeness.

What about when children are grieving?

Support and communication should be age-appropriate, honest, and open-ended. Allow children to share memories and emotions without minimizing their loss.

Resources and Further Reading

Saying Goodbye: How Families Can Find Renewal Through Loss by Joe Nowinski
Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us by Nancy Berns
Bereavement support groups, both online and in-person
Professional grief counselors or therapists

Key Takeaways

Empathy—not platitudes—is the best response to loss.
Be present, listen, and validate feelings.
Avoid minimizing, comparing, or judging grief.
Check in long after the immediate aftermath; grieving doesn’t end with the funeral.
Small acts of kindness—spoken or unspoken—make a significant difference.

References

Author

Sneha TeteBeauty & Lifestyle Writer

Sneha is a relationships and lifestyle writer with a strong foundation in applied linguistics and certified training in relationship coaching. She brings over five years of writing experience to thebridalbox, crafting thoughtful, research-driven content that empowers readers to build healthier relationships, boost emotional well-being, and embrace holistic living.

Read full bio of Sneha Tete