How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You—Even When It Feels Impossible

Letting go of resentment can unlock new emotional freedom and resilience.

By Medha deb

Created on Sep 25, 2025

Letting go of resentment can unlock new emotional freedom and resilience.

Forgiving someone who has caused you pain can feel like one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Yet, psychological research and expert opinions consistently show that forgiveness is less about letting others off the hook and more about freeing yourself. This in-depth guide covers the essentials of forgiveness: what it truly means, why it’s vital for mental health, dispelling common myths, and a step-by-step process for finding your way to forgiveness—even when it seems impossible.

What Does It Really Mean to Forgive?

To forgive someone isn’t to forget, condone, or excuse their actions. It does not necessarily mean the same relationship continues. Instead, forgiveness is a personal choice to let go of the emotional grip that anger, resentment, or the need for retribution has over you. Psychologist Kristina Hallett, Ph.D., notes that it’s about “ceasing to feel resentment against an offender”—an internal state not about excusing the wrong, but about reclaiming your peace of mind[10].

Forgiveness is an active process: It requires reflection and intentional action.
You can forgive without forgetting or reconciling with the person.
It’s a gift you give yourself to promote healing.

Why Forgiveness Matters: The Psychological and Health Benefits

Forgiveness is, above all else, a boon for your own well-being. Holding onto anger and resentment traps you in a cycle of negativity, increasing stress and harming both body and mind. Scientific studies show that people who practice forgiveness are likely to experience:

Decreased levels of anxiety, depression, and stress
Lower blood pressure and better heart health
Better sleep and improved immune function
Enhanced self-esteem and increased emotional resilience

Carrying resentment is “like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die,” as therapist Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST, puts it. Ultimately, forgiveness fosters personal growth, emotional freedom, and healthier relationships[10].

Common Misconceptions About Forgiveness

There are several myths that can make forgiveness feel unattainable. Clarifying these misconceptions helps make the process more accessible:

Forgiveness is Not Forgetting: You do not erase the past; you change your relationship to it.
Forgiveness Does Not Excuse Harm: You can forgive while holding clear boundaries and seeking justice if necessary.
You Don’t Have to Reconcile: Not every act of forgiveness is followed by renewed trust or friendship. Sometimes, forgiveness means letting go—and moving on separately.
Forgiveness Is Not a Sign of Weakness: It is a courageous, self-empowering act rooted in strength.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean You Won’t Feel Hurt: Pain may linger, but forgiveness is about how you choose to respond over time.

Why Is Forgiveness So Hard?

Forgiving someone can be deeply challenging, especially when the hurt runs deep. Emotional injuries activate the brain’s threat response, making us instinctively want to defend ourselves—sometimes by holding onto anger as a shield or a weapon in potential future conflicts.

Several factors can make forgiveness tough:

The depth of betrayal or the close nature of the relationship
Repeated offenses or lack of genuine remorse from the other person
The belief that forgiving will minimize your pain or invalidate your experience
The desire to protect yourself from future harm
Mistaking forgiveness for condoning, forgetting, or giving up your boundaries

Recognizing these barriers is the first step toward moving past them. Forgiveness is a process, often nonlinear and requiring repeated effort.

Six Steps: How to Forgive When It Feels Impossible

Fully Acknowledge the Hurt
You can only begin to forgive once you’ve looked honestly at what happened. Denying, minimizing, or ignoring the pain only prolongs the cycle. Allow yourself to process the full extent of the hurt, ideally with the support of a counselor or a trusted confidant.
Express and Process Your Feelings
Grieving, anger, sadness, disappointment—these are natural responses. Journaling, talking, or even creative expression (art, music, writing) can help move emotions through you, reducing their hold.
- Do not rush yourself to “move on.” Healing is not linear.
- Remember: Processing emotions is not the same as wallowing in them—eventually, you will choose to let go.
Choose Forgiveness Intentionally
Forgiveness is an active decision. At some stage, you’ll need to consciously say: “I choose to let go of this resentment for my own freedom.” Sometimes this step needs to be repeated as new waves of emotions come up.
Gain Perspective and Cultivate Compassion
This often involves recognizing the humanness in both yourself and the other person. Reflect on times you have wronged someone and been forgiven. Remember, forgiving does not erase accountability.
- Ask: Why did this person do what they did? What wounds or limitations do they carry?
- Practice empathy without excusing harmful behavior.
Establish Boundaries Going Forward
Forgiveness doesn’t mean restoring the relationship to its former status. In some cases, maintaining distance or redefining terms is healthiest for both.
- Communicate needs and expectations clearly.
- It is OK if forgiveness leads you to step away from toxic dynamics.
Release, Reflect, and Repeat as Needed
Letting go is rarely a one-time achievement—old memories and pain may resurface. Be gentle with yourself: re-affirm your decision when needed and remember that forgiveness is a continual process.

What If You’re Not Ready to Forgive?

Healing does not operate on a tight timeline. If you’re struggling:

Focus on self-care: therapy, support groups, mindfulness, and journaling can help process emotions safely.
Remember that holding on to resentment is a form of self-protection that may have served you in the past, but forgiveness might serve your future better.
It’s acceptable to not be ready. Allowing yourself time and space demonstrates respect for your own emotional boundaries.

Forgiveness and Your Relationships

Forgiveness is transformative, but it does not demand that you stay in unhealthy or unsafe circumstances. Rebuilding trust—if desired—requires effort from both parties and may evolve slowly over time. Sometimes, the healthiest thing to do after forgiving is to move on, prioritizing your well-being.

Forgiveness	Reconciliation
An internal process you control	Relies on both people’s willingness to repair the relationship
Can occur unilaterally	Requires mutual trust-building
About letting go of resentment	About restoring or rebuilding connection
Does not require continued contact	Often involves renewed interaction

Expert Tips for Making Forgiveness Easier

Practice self-compassion: Acknowledge your pain and care gently for yourself throughout the process.
Develop a mindfulness practice: Mindfulness helps manage intrusive thoughts and emotional triggers connected to the hurt.
Write a letter (but don’t send it): Express all you wish you could say; this can help release pent-up emotion.
Seek professional help: Therapy or counseling can be invaluable, especially for deep or longstanding wounds.
Visualize letting go: Use imagination or symbolic rituals to mark the turning point of forgiveness.
Consider your own need for forgiveness: Remember times when you have been the beneficiary of another’s grace.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Forgiveness

Q: Does forgiving mean I have to keep someone in my life?

A: No. Forgiveness is about releasing resentment, not restoring every relationship. Sometimes, maintaining new boundaries is the healthiest choice.

Q: Is forgiveness the same as saying what happened was OK?

A: Not at all. Forgiveness is not an endorsement or minimization of harm—it’s a way to stop pain from controlling your future.

Q: What if the person never apologizes?

A: Forgiveness is still possible—and even more powerful—when chosen independently of the other person’s remorse or acknowledgment.

Q: Can you forgive and still feel angry or hurt?

A: Yes. Forgiveness and residual pain can coexist; over time, pain may subside, but your decision to forgive is about how you relate to that pain.

Q: How long does the process take?

A: Everyone’s forgiveness journey is unique. Some people find release quickly; for others, it unfolds over weeks, months, or years. Be patient and gentle with yourself along the way.

Resources for Further Support

Consider working with a licensed therapist for guidance and emotional support.
Support groups (in-person or virtual) can offer community and shared understanding.
Books: “Forgive for Good” by Fred Luskin and “The Book of Forgiving” by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.
Practice mindfulness techniques—apps and online videos can provide guided meditations targeting resentment and emotional release.

Key Takeaways

Forgiveness is a choice, a process, and a powerful tool for your own emotional liberation.
You forgive to set yourself free, not necessarily to mend every broken relationship.
It’s normal and valid for forgiveness to take time, to require support, and to be revisited as new feelings emerge.

References

Author

medha deb

Medha Deb is an editor with a master's degree in Applied Linguistics from the University of Hyderabad. She believes that her qualification has helped her develop a deep understanding of language and its application in various contexts.

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